Rattail of Regret
by LuxaLovesLawnmowers
Summary: Late one night, Kagome and Sango decide to rid the world of evil one step at a time...starting with Miroku's ponytail.


Disclaimer- I don't own Inuyasha.

First Inuyasha fic! :) I'm a big Miroku fan, but there's one little thing about him that annoys me...that stupid ponytail.

Enjoy! :)

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Kagome fluffed her pillow, wishing for the millionth time that it was filled with something other than rough straw. She liked being in feudal Japan and all, but she wished it was a little more...soft. And had less demons.

"Hey, Sango...are you awake?"

Another thing about living in the past was the suffocating darkness. Once the sun went out, there was nothing to stave your nighttime fears, nothing to ward away the horrors of the night, no lights to keep your eyes open until sleep finally draws you in. On more than one night she'd needed the confirmation of Sango's presence to sleep. The knowledge that all things that went bump in the night ran from her strong companions comforted her, and she slept better knowing they were there.

"I am now," replied Sango, only a slight trace of irritation in her voice. "What is it?"

Kagome was currently running through a list of the things she hated about living in feudal Japan. There really weren't that many, but one was driven to the forefront of her mind.

"Hey, Sango...do you have a knife?"

"A knife?" replied Sango in alarm. "Is something wrong?"

Kagome wished she'd phrased it differently. "No, I just...there's something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I didn't think you'd have scissors in these backwaters."

"Of course we do! But I don't have a pair. What did you need them for?"

Kagome sat up in her makeshift bedding. "Sango, you like Miroku, right?"

"W-What do you mean? That lecher? H-He's-"

"Sango, you promised to bear his children, regardless if he wanted ten or twenty. Sounds like you like him."

Kagome could almost see the blush radiating from her hopeless friend.

"W-Why do you ask if I like him?"

"I just wanted to know...is there anything about him...that irritates you?"

Sango was silent in the darkness, and Kagome could picture her confused thinking. Fearsome warrior Sango might be, but she was a bit of an idiot when it came to Miroku.

"Other than his lechery?" she finally replied, her tone dry.

"Yeah...other than that."

"And his cheating on me?"

"Aw, Sango, he doesn't do that anymore...much." conceded Kagome.

"And his slowly being killed via gigantic hole in his hand?"

"That doesn't count," objected Kagome, wagging a finger Sango couldn't see. "That's Naraku's fault."

"Well, there is _one_ thing."

"What is it?" Kagome leaned forward, excited. She didn't dare hope they were on the same page.

"That ponytail of his...it sort of...annoys me." admitted Sango.

Kagome pumped her fist in triumph. "Exactly! That's exactly what I'm getting at!"

"It's so gross!" confessed Sango.

"In my country, it's what we call a rattail."

"What would you do about it?"

Kagome's grin had an evil glint that Sango had never seen before, and Sango was glad it was barely visible in the gloom. "I say...cut it off."

"_Cut it off_?"

"Why not?"

"But...when? How?"

"How about now? He and Inuyasha are asleep in the other room, it's the perfect opportunity."

"He'll see us coming!" protested Sango.

"No," countered Kagome. "He's too busy dreaming about pretty wo-" She cut off when she felt the goose-bumps that accompanied one of Sango's world-class glares. "You. He's too busy dreaming about you."

"He is a _monk_, Kagome. A dangerous one. He'll wake up and probably think a demon is attacking him."

"Or a pretty women is taking advantage of him." argued Kagome.

"That _is _more likely..."

"Then let's go!"

"For an ordinary girl, you seem to be extraordinarily persistent..." said Sango almost mournfully. She didn't think this would work at all, and felt like it would end with them dead or groped.

They crept out of their room and down the hall of the temple they were in (once again, Miroku had tricked the owners into letting them staying the night, proving that he really was a _terrible_ Buddhist) and stopped in front of the boys' dorm.

"Shippo wakes up really easily," informed Kagome. "Nightmares, you know."

Sango nodded. "We'll have to be quick."

The slid open the paper door and sneaked in the room, keeping their bare feet on the tatami mats so as to not make a sound. Kagome and Sango's first thought was that there was no way Miroku would hear them- Inuyasha's snoring was so loud that Miroku could probably sleep through an avalanche. Kagome nearly stepped on Inuyasha in her attempt to get to the monk, discovering in the process that Inuyasha kicked in his sleep, and was slowly inching closer to closer to Miroku, a process that would probably end up in Miroku get kicked awake- which, by the looks of it, was something that happened often. Shippo, too, was curled around Miroku, his tail just barely brushing the monk's chin.

Kagome didn't bother disentangling Inuyasha from Miroku and bent down next to him, motioning for Sango to hand her the knife. She felt a thrill of anticipation. She felt like an assassin, preparing to deal the final blow.

Miroku stirred. "Oh...San...bear my child..."

Kagome smirked. Miroku _was _dreaming of Sango after all.

She handled the knife carefully, mindful of Miroku's neck as she grew nearer to him. If he moved, she could cut his neck, and that would spell disaster for everyone involved.

She took a hold of the rattail carefully, bringing her hand closer and closer to it, her breath baited. Could she pull this off? She wrinkled her nose at the feel of his unwashed hair. 500 years ago or not, she was getting this man to a hots spring to bathe. She _already_ had to deal with Inuyasha's body odor.

She quickly and efficiently chopped off his rattail, a huge mixed feeling of power, relief, and bloated happiness filling her when she did. Sango and her shared a glance that was so much more than a meeting of two sets of eyes- it was an affirmation of everything they stood for- freeing the world of demonic, evil, ugly influence, and Miroku's rattail was about as ugly as it got.

They crept back out of the boys' room and hid back in their, pretending to go back to sleep. Kagome, grossed out by the rattail, handed the dirty ponytail to Sango, who pocketed it. Kagome was seriously hoping to forget she ever saw that.

In the morning, the girls waited anxiously for Inuyasha and Miroku to wake up. When the finally did, they all gathered together to eat rice outside the temple. Kagome and Sango's best efforts were concentrated on not giggling, and as a result Kagome's chopsticks kept missing her mouth.

Halfway through the meal Miroku twitched- visibly twitched. Inuyasha glanced at him, a tic also apparent on his face, although Kagome considered that more of a permanent facial feature. Maybe it was Myoga, who knew.

"You all right, monk?" asked Inuyasha, showing an uncharacteristic amount of feeling.

"Yes..." replied Miroku absently. "I feel...lighter. Emptier."

Kagome literally had to swallow her laughter. It was like swallowing a hiccup, except more painful.

Inuyasha returned to devouring his food, and Sango and Kagome watched Miroku intently. Scratching at his black hair absently, Miroku discovered the missing item that Sango and Kagome hadn't been able to stop thinking about.

"Oh...Inuyasha, when you kicked me awake this morning...did you use your claws?"

Inuyasha blinked in confusion. "_Obviously. _They're not retractable, you know."

Miroku chuckled, not the response the girls had expected. "You seem to have knocked off my ponytail in the night."

"Oh...sorry." said Inuyasha insincerely, secretly thrilled to see that wretched thing gone. If he really had scratched the thing off in his sleep he'd done the world a service.

Sango stopped stroking the rattail in her pocket when she heard Miroku say cheerily. "That's fine. It'll grow back in a week or too."

The futility of their mission and the despair of the future hit them in full force, and the girls wailed their shock and grief so loud that every demon in the land heard them and joined in the mournful cry.

Kagome vaguely wondered if Sango would still like Miroku if he suddenly went bald.

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Reviews are love! :)


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